god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
