party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
