Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
