the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
