so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
