you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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