i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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