New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
