he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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