This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
