I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
