P.S. I can't hear my feet
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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