We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
