If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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