I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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