so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
