My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
