im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Terrible idea I love it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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