thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i've created a new STD.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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