I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
this will be a night to untag.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
