im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
