she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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