Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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