i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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