I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
