three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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