I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
