I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i barfeds in our rink
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
