Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
