You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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