I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
