Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
