I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
