I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
