i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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