I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
