He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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