where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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