So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
