i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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