Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
