I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
