Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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