I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
