So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
