haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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