Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
