just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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