you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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