at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
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Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
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I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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