you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
