bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
