Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
