my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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