I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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