So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I understand Curling. That high.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
